What's Bots & What's Rot: September Dosage

Kotori keeps you up to date on what's the craze and what was just a phase, presenting the illest and chillest of the newest latest.

BOTS
· "The Cordry"—By this time next Summer every beach bum and his retarded stepbrother will be deliberately drying out their scalps, in hopes to achieve the prematurely-bald look that is punctuated by an infantile patch of follicles in the front of the dome. Shave around the front now to get a head start toward this wild 'do.
· "Ginger Balls"—Ever since Flight of the Conchords' spunky band manager Murray confessed to being called this hilarious slur against redheads, every Irish dude in America has gone out and bought crotch-sensitive hair dye. We here at Kotori say, Fuggedabotit! Let your red hairs grow. It only makes you more potent…Ginger balls!!!
· Pregnancy—If Jamie-Lynn Spears could pull it off and look that dope—and at only sixteen-years old—then there's gonna be a boatload of boners pokin' around the maternity ward.
· Flobots—Who cares if "Handlebars" sounded like Cake with a turntable, this group's socio-political rhymes and versatile musical flavors got everybody reading and believing the Manifesto.  www.flobots.com
· Johnny Depp—The forty-one-going-on-twenty-four-year old actor is always hot and even with Jack Sparrow taking a booze break the Captain is still burning up the Silver Screen, first in the upcoming gangster film Public Enemies and then in the long-awaited film adaptation of Hunter S. Thompson's The Rum Diary.
· Miller Chill—It's green, it's chill and it's tasty. Perfect for a lazy summer day at the beach or a night of trashing a motel room for having a busted air conditioner.
· Overbites—Patricia Arquette made it hot and it keeps on going with Keira Knightley heading the pack of girls with cute canines. The risk of fellatio-chafing makes it all the more thrilling.
· Asians—Maggie Q is at the top of this list because if we were John McClane we would've fucked her before throwing her down that elevator shaft. Then, of course, there's the Old Boys, filmmakers like Park Chan-Wook, Miike Takashi and Tsukamoto Shinya that are delivering Extreme Cinema that makes American movies look like…well, like American movies. Say, "Robster Craws!"
· Domestic violence—If it's good enough for Christian Bale it's good enough for Kotori. The Dark Knight makes beating your Mom look more attractive than hugging your relatives at a family reunion.
· Non-Nude Goes Naughty—In the past decade the Internet has been treated or, rather, teased with a host of "non-nude" websites. Fortunately top-notch hotties like Next Door Nikki and Kate Ground (www.kateplayground.com) are now taking their gear off and getting down, thanks to wholesome-as-American-hair-pie Melissa Midwest upping the ante by suddenly releasing a series of blowjob and fucking videos within the past year. Pornography is restored once again.

ROT
· Optimum Online—If I have to see that fucking clown in the lobster costume rapping all off-key one more fucking time I'm going to tear my wall unit out and chuck it at a friendly neighborhood cable provider.
· Starburst—We loved them too…until they took that creepy Leprechaun guy off the air. Now we're doing the little lad dance all by our lonesome and wishing somebody would come by the bus depot with some berries and cream.
· World War III—This just really sucks. Can we do something about this?
· Economy in Recession—Yeah, we're not very fond of this either. If somebody could go ahead and give us some of that so-called stimulus that would be swell.
· Ringworm—It's as old as Abe Vigoda's ball sack, but the Tinea Capitis parasite is still flaring things up. Associate Editor Bob Freville caught the worm in a motel room two years ago and is happy to report that it's finally clearing up, thanks to prescription-strength Ketoconazole pills. But still, ringworm is an evil bitch.
· Infidelity—You can thank Eliot Spitzer for kicking off what has become the Year of the Cheat. And acknowledgement should also go to rags like the New York Post and US Weekly for advertising it as front page news and, thus, making it a nationwide trend.
· Fat Bitches—They used to keep quiet and clean your car out after you threw them a bone. Now that Rosie O' Donnell has been on "The View" every gargantuan mastodon with a vagina has been braying like mad. Somebody call the Farmer and tell him to round up his swine!
· Daughtry—As if Nickelback wasn't bad enough, now we have a pop star whose first hit single was him bitching and moaning about how hard it is being on the road as a musician. Question: Do you have to be a fag to be an American Idol?
· The New Kids on the Block—Donnie, Johnnie, Jordan, Joey and Danny Wood (Ha! Ha!) are back on the block. "The Right Stuff" is officially The Old Stuff.
· Condoms  ……………………
· Rob Schneider—Survey says, "For being born." We say because all the fancy costumes and bad accents in Adam Sandler movies don't disguise the fact that you are Richard Laymer, aka "The Richmeister." What a douche!
· Two-dollar bills—Great, now I gotta pay your half of the tip?!