What's Bots & What's Rot: October Dosage

Kotori keeps you up to date on what's the craze and what was just a phase, presenting the illest and chillest of the newest latest.

BOTS
The Recession – We thought about it and we think we should be celebrating it. After all, this is probably the closest thing to rolling around in a bed of money with a very nude Demi Moore that we're going to get before the Depression hits. And let's face it, a recession is an orgy at Caesar's Palace compared to another Depression. Two analogies for the price of one. Now that's a good deal considering that the price of literary barbs just went up exponentially.

Trojan – We here at Kotori think that sexual intercourse while wearing a condom isn't sex at all. It certainly doesn't feel like sex. In fact, it's more like wrapping a rubber band around your shaft and slamming your helmet in and out of a lukewarm box of Fruit Roll-Ups. But for those of you who are responsible you can't go wrong with the gallant horse. And we hear that their forthcoming spot is the hottest and funniest yet. Beat yourself with a riding crop if you don't glove it!

Str8hiphop's got all your hip-hop needs, from the giants to the small fries, keeping it fresh as a bag of veggies and tight as a virgin's anus. Check out new material from Kanye, Busta, Malik Yusef and many more @ http://www.str8hiphop.com/newmusic

Paul Newman's Death – Finally we can put out our line of Kotori salad dressings without fear of competition from some fancy pants philanthropist celebrity. We support causes too. Like counting our scrilla and lathering our lettuce! Seriously, though, we're just joking! You don't get it? No, seriously, we're just being facetious...What we've got here is a failure to communicate.

Pamela Price – She's not just a flexible girl who photographs well in green light (as her Vibrations promo for Red Bull illustrates)! Pamela's exotic features, soulful voice and consummate acting chops are the triple-threat that really makes her the Star of Tomorrow. And that's to say nothing of her work as a dance instructor, teaching hip-hop intensives to children. But don't go on the word of one guy who wants to see the day that she's a Maxim Cover Girl kicking ass and taking names. See for yourself @ http://www.nextcat.com/pprice
 

Pamela will next appear in the forthcoming films Dream House (in post-production) and Hemo (currently shooting in Long Island, New York).

Diddy Blog – Ah, celebrity rap moguls waxing intellectual about world affairs. This is good all the way through, from the subject of Sarah Palin rendering Diddy all but speechless, to some remark about her possibly being the President. Blog includes the smartest thing Diddy ever said, “The banks are closing. Bush done fucked shit up!” We can't help but love a guy who can think he's so cool for being photographed by the press after stepping in dog shit. Diddy takes a negative and turns it into a positive. Swagger like Puff!

Ipod No-No – It's so sleek it takes a microscope, a pair of tweezers and a hit of acid just to see it! Sales may fail because of the average consumer's short-attention span, but this baby will get right through customs undetected. Now you have a place to store those voices that only you can hear.

ROT
Red Bull – It gives you wings...after your heart explodes.

Robocop Remake – . . .

Shame That You Can Count On – Here's a steaming pellet that only recently dropped. As of September 24th, the Bush Administration announced a bill for a $70 billion taxpayer-financed bail-out. The idea behind this? "We know the US economy is languishing damn near completely and we know that none of you poor fucks have any money to pay your bills, but we have a solution. Give us seventy billion dollars of your hard-earned money! Ha! HA!" The sinister plot was called "flawed" by Obama and McCain, but after being invited by Bush to discuss the project at the White House, both Change You Can Believe In and More of the Same put on their jogging shoes and headed for the Capitol.

Passing the Buck – Janet Jackson dropped from Island Def Jam at the end of September after recording only one album under her new contract. Apparently being a superstar means severing ties with a label every time the sales figures reflect how badly your music sucks.

Job Placement – What does equality have to do with hiring an illiterate dyslexic narcoleptic with a speech impediment to field calls for 411?

Outsourcing – It's not bad enough that the Japanese are replacing mankind with machinery, now Tetsuo is going to lose his gig to a gang of Guatemalan youth who will put in sixty hour work weeks for nine cents an hour?!